Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I cut them so sue me

What was I supposed to do? Stand back and watch them wreck havoc? I was left with no choice and simply did what I had to. As always, the innate sense of fairness in me (stop rolling your eyes, will you?) made me put myself through the same ordeal too. But did anyone appreciate me for that? Oh no, of course not. Anyway, thank your lucky stars that you weren’t a witness to that scene in my house on Monday morning. It wasn’t pretty but I was armed and up to the task.

I cut everyone’s nails on Monday. Get in line if you want to sue me. My kids are heading the long list.

You would have thought that we just lost our major European modeling contract as a result of my heinous act if you had heard the big ruckus at the scene. All the wailing and sobbing would have led you to believe that we frequented a Spa at least once a week for manicures and I butchered a few sets of French nails this week. You would have been totally wrong. Sure they were long and sharp like Cindy Crawford but there endeth the similarity. Ours were uniquely chewed up on the corners with spiked cuticles left for proof and overall stood out with a nice unhealthy yellow glaze. This is one time I can say with certainty that ours were truly one of a kind.

If you knew the real reason why I was armed with a nail cutter this week, you would take my side in a heartbeat, I am sure of it. Sure, those nails looked ugly as sin but that wasn’t why I snipped them off. Sure, we were walking around looking like a pack of tigers with our claws out to pounce on the nearest living thing but that wasn’t why I cut them. Believe it or not, I did it to safeguard our house.

Last Friday was the last day of school for this year. Christmas break was upon us again. As the school doors were opened wide for the last time on Friday afternoon, my kids rushed out like war prisoners who were freed from an isolation box after 6 months of imprisonment. Backpacks were tossed to a dusty corner with as much disdain as revenge. Sheer ecstasy of not having to do homework made my children glow like energy efficient white bulbs. Relationship between protons and neutrons, line graphs, Renaissance period literature, grammar assignments and more were decidedly swept under the memory rug and vengefully stomped upon.

Gazillion plans were made to milk the two weeks to the maximum. And they included hitting the movie theaters, game stores and restaurants. But a wicked snow storm blew its way in to our area on Friday evening like the big bad wolf and bared its fangs with glee. By Saturday morning, the snow had piled up so high that I saw my dog stare in dismay trying to find a place when nature called. With every snow flake that drifted down, my kids watched their vacation plans disintegrate.

But since our family is as resilient as they come, we decided to make the most of it. Board games were brought out and instruction sheets were read out loud. Card games kept us sane for a few hours. We decided to improvise and had a writing contest. Endless hours of movies followed endless plates of snacks. By Sunday morning we were ready to tear each others’ throats out and sing in a monotone just to kill boredom. As I watched Sunday drag along with no hope of the snow melting or the roads getting cleared, I knew I had to do it. Monday morning, I got out the nail clippers much my kids’ horror and cut everyone’ nails. I had to save our home before insanity pushed everyone over the brink to go scratching at the walls. Trust me, it was only a matter of time.

Now anytime my kids get an itch and they are forced to go looking for a sharp kitchen utensil to scratch it, they are going to turn hostile eyes towards me. (Big sigh…………….) I do hope that one day they will realize that I did it to protect our home.

-Meena Sankaran

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

meena chiti!, that was Hilarious!! But please be sure to tell my mom it was a joke, and it is not really a reason to cut nails(I am currently growing mine)

Madhu

Anonymous said...

That is as humorous as it gets. And suspenseful too. Keep it up.
Krithika

vidhoo said...

Great post Meena. Simply wonderful. What a sense of humour! Keep it up. Seems like no one in the family can beat you here. Got urself in the groove. u definitely have. Awaiting more 'nail_biting' blogs...

Vidya

Meenakshi Sankaran said...

Thank you Madhu, Krithika and Vidya. I don't know about others but I was literally seconds away from scratching whatever I could get my hands on. Thought I would tickle your throats instead and wrote this post.

Glad you enjoyed it.

Vidya, If you are counting on my 'nail-biting' blogs for your entertainment, your social life must resemble a retired roller coaster ride. Cut your nails too before it is too late.

Srilatha said...

Meena, hilarious post :-)

Hats off to your family (especially Aarthi) for being sanguine with you tarnishing (instead of varnishing) their nails in your blog. As an emerging teen's mom, I have realized that nails, zits,, and hair are all off limits for conversation. You have gone one step further - and made it public. I am so in awe of you.

Meenakshi Sankaran said...

I guess it was magnanimous of my family to let me go on breathing even after publishing this post. Yes, I do see you point here Srilatha.