Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Make way for Meena!

As I sat watching the Academy Awards on TV last weekend, it occurred to me that I am totally unprepared to go on a stage to receive an award if the need ever arises.

If you must know, I did clear my mantel a few years ago in anticipation of receiving the Pulitzer prize but darn those folks at the selection committee there. They are too picky. It is not enough that I write. It seems they are looking for quality in writing too. Where does this greed stop, I ask you? Well, I may still be batting at zero in the Pulitzer game but it is early days yet. Bigger miracles have been known to happen. And even if Pulitzer slips through my fingers, I feel confident that I have a good shot at getting nominated for this decade’s ‘The Ultimate Nagging Mom’ award. I am not picky. Really! Either one will do for me.

When that day comes, am I really ready to walk the red (or blue or gray or black) carpet and claim my rightful place on the stage? Do I have the right outfit in my wardrobe for the occasion? What about the acceptance speech? Have I practiced enough to get my eyes to sparkle with unshed tears of joy and my lower lip to tremble ever so gently in a show of nerves and frailty? Oh boy, talk about emergency preparedness! I really have my work cut out for me before my day of glory.

Let’s start with the outfit first. None of the items in my wardrobe will do, I am sure. They are too decent to qualify. They cover all parts of my body, for God’s sake. I need something that fits me like a second skin and leaves nothing to imagination. It would be better if the fabric closely resembles a potato sack except that it definitely has to be very sparkly. I will not compromise on that. After all, I want to fit in, not stick out like a sore thumb there. If I can somehow find an extra large fabric bow in red that I can hook on to my bottom, I will be all set.

I am not worried about the acceptance speech though. I have seen enough Oscar awards to know how to write it but it is not just the speech but the whole theatrical delivery of it that I need to work on. I will start by practicing to look dazed at the audience with the ‘I can’t believe I made it to this stage’ look. It won’t be easy but if anyone can do it, I believe I can. I will also have to practice how to fan my face for the next several seconds to portray a desperate attempt to prevent my tears from spilling over and ruining my mascara. That is a must. That will set the tone for what is to follow.

Now for the speech – I will have to prepare a list of all the important people in my life. After all I don’t want to leave anyone’s name out in my ‘thank you’ speech and hurt their feelings. That will be unkind of me. Hmmm…..let’s see. What was the name of that wrinkled old woman who came around to bathe me when I was a week old baby? I can’t believe I forgot her name. Anyway, I will make a note to check with my mom. Then, what about the bus driver who drove me to school every single day of my formative years? I can’t leave him out now, can I?

Of course I will be thanking my mom, my dad, my sisters, my husband, my children, my dog, my brothers-in-law, my nieces, my nephews, my neighbors, my friends, my clients, my teachers, my students, my postman, my lawn maintenance guy and my plumber. Oops! I almost forgot about the handyman. And if someone in the audience feels the urge to start pulling out their hair at the monotony of my speech, it is just too bad. I would rather have the entire gathering snore in boredom than leave out thanking anyone of these important people in my life.

Whew…….that was exhausting but I think it will be worth the effort. I feel mentally ready now to put on the show of my lifetime. Step aside Natalie Portman.  Move over Colin Firth. It is time to make way for Meena Sankaran. Now if only I could find a sparkling potato sack with a red bow! Life will just be peachy.

16 comments:

Srilatha said...

Colin Firth won. W00T! I love your blog. I see myself dressing in a monochrome suite - dark gray, with a pink ribbon pin to support my favorite cause. I would also also channel Marlon Brando and Sean Penn and refuse the award citing the war, gas prices, the Wall Street bailout, Wisconsin labor rights threat, etc in my "refusal speech" :-) Well - writing this post has been a cathartic experience - I feel quite energized now!

Chitra said...

Continue your great work. I am pretty sure red carpet/awards will soon come your way.

Showa said...

Nice. Trembling lips, unshed tears, you can add a big fat cheque.

Harish said...

Wish you receive the much coveted prize, not the nagging mom one. The other :-)

Shiju Sugunan said...

I laughed out loud when I read the part regarding outfit selection. Nice post!

Prashanti said...

Meena, make sure to throw in a few obscenities. After all, it is uber cool and muy feministas to swear like a sailor - courtesy Melissa Leo!

Anonymous said...

Nice one again.. keep the blogs flowing..Ravindran

Meena Sankaran said...

//Colin Firth won. W00T! //

My sentiments exactly Srilatha. Woo hoo, pippip, hurray and all of that British stuff. :-) Colin Firth was born for the Oscar stage, my dear. Sigh.....Btw, your 'refusal' speech is so 'you' Srilatha. :-)

Meena Sankaran said...

Thank you Chitra. :-) You must have noticed the red carpet in my family room. I have been practicing on that just in case, you know. (wink, wink..)

Meena Sankaran said...

Thank you Showa. And ofcourse a big, fat cheque. What is the point otherwise, right? :-) Btw, welcome to my blogpage.

Meena Sankaran said...

Ha ha ha Harish. I am not intentionally trying for the 'Nagging Mom' award but will settle for it if nothing else comes my way. Thank you for you good wishes Harish.

Meena Sankaran said...

Welcome, Shiju Sugunan, to my part of the web world. I am glad to know that I lightened your day a little for you. Thank you for your warm compliments.

Meena Sankaran said...

Thanks for the tip about the obscenities Prashanti. Ofcourse! Swearing like a sailor is my passport to that red carpet and I can't believe that it slipped my mind. We can't let Melissa Leo have one up on me now, can we?

Will check my Yellow Pages immediately for a listing of local teachers who can train me to use rich 'swear words' that are ripe enough to make a sailor's ears blush. If I can't find one locally, I will fly to India to take lessons from a Tamilnadu politician for no one swears better than a dhothi wearing MLA. Jai Hind!

Meena Sankaran said...

Thank you Ravi. The flow has come down to a sad trickle these days but hey, you haven't heard the last from me yet. :-)

Nivi said...

LMAO :D :D :D hahahahaahahahaha that made me laugh out loud and slurp on my coffee :D :D i will pick out your dress chithi :D ;) :D

Meena Sankaran said...

Welcome on board as my official fashion consultant Nivi. :-) Now in your expert opinion, what do you think about me walking Oscar's famed red carpet in a fabulous Madisaar saree? Poor Anne Hathaway and Whoopi Goldberg won't know what hit them, don't you think?

:-))