Presidential election is next Tuesday in the US. The date is tattooed in my heart and drilled in to my brain. I may forget to buy milk at the grocery store this week but I won’t forget what is at stake come next Tuesday. Thanks to my friends on social media educating me every day, I have never been more politically aware than I am today.
Guess where I am going with this? Probably not.
I have been looking for a different career lately. I change careers every decade in case you are wondering. Not that I didn’t enjoy poring over numbers all day long or teaching music to lovely children but I do like to shock my brain awake every now and then with a challenge. I looked at sports for a while but that was a dead end for me what with my body coming apart at the seams like a worn-out shirt. With its high potential for drama and low need for a strong physique, national politics seems to be the winner this time.
After careful study of the two major presidential candidates of this election, I find that I have all the qualifications required to run for President. What I lack, I am sure I will learn. While both candidates fascinate me to no end, Republican candidate Mr. Trump is the delicious icing on my new career cake.
A study of this man is such an education. His rise from business to politics seems to be based primarily on controversies. How delightful! It gives me such hope. Apparently, I don’t need leadership or intelligence or morality or even knowledge of global affairs. That is such a relief because I suck sideways on history.
Please do bear in mind while you read the following that I am an amateur in Politics still learning my ways. Here is what I think a Republican party candidate needs to bring to the table to be nominated as President.
To qualify, one must:
To qualify, one must:
1. Say outrageously insulting things about women and minorities, preferably on alternative days. This will help bring more supporters out from under the rock every day where they are hiding and help keep the Press focused on your one-of-a-kind mouth.
I admit that insulting people is not my strong point but with time, I believe I can learn to do this. With an awesome tutor like Mr. Trump out there, I don’t see how I can fail. If I promise to practice every day, will you endorse me next time around Mr. Trump?
2. Be an expert at slinging mud at their opponent because, come on, who will respect a President that doesn’t spew sewage at his or her opponent? By far, this seems to be the one quality that is most cherished by the GOP candidate and his supporters.
By the way, I am truly in awe of Mr. Trump’s usage of his twitter account to accomplish this. Every day, without fail, he flings mud or worse at Mrs. Clinton using pithy sentences on twitter. I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good at it as him but it will not be because I didn’t try. In high school, I once literally threw a ball of mud on a nasty girl after monsoon rains. I do have experience in this.
3. Know how to talk the big talk. Nothing that must make sense logically or financially only that it should sound big and important. Like our Mr. Trump’s idea of building a big wall in our borders to keep the bad neighbors from walking in illegally. Oh, wow! That does sound very grand and big. No wonder so many people love him and want him in the White House for 4 years leading us. What a leader indeed!
If I want to have any chance of running a successful campaign like our Mr. Trump, I must be smart and find something big like his wall idea to make ‘America great again’. Otherwise, it will all be hopeless and come to nothing.
The best strategy that I feel will help convince people to vote for me is to use the 'race' card generously. When talk of racism comes and I hear heated debates of white versus black, I do feel left out. Brown matters too, you know.
If I promise to brainstorm and come with an equally endearing campaign like our Mr. Trump, hope I can get on the ticket next time around. Is it so wrong to want to be on national TV and participate in the most-televised debates ever where I can call people names publicly and know that no one will sue me?
Ready to vote?