Guide to hosting a Wedding!

My daughter got married a few months ago allowing me the distinct honor of joining the elite club of mothers-in-law.  Having watched many Indian TV soap operas that always cast a mother-in-law as a villainous being, I was naturally hesitant about stepping into that role but guess what?  TV is a far cry from reality because I feel no more like a villain than usual.  Six months ago, I had 2 children that I loved and now I have 3. 

Hosting my daughter's wedding was truly an education.  As this is the time for my annual self-evaluation to see if I still remember how to write, I came here today hoping to do that and also give a few helpful pointers to my friends who have just entered this fascinating arena of hosting an Indian wedding.

Dos and Don'ts of Wedding Planning:

1. Know that a spreadsheet is going to quickly become your new best friend. To those who ask why, how else are you planning to juggle the gazillion lists that will become the focal point of your life very soon?  The following is only a small sample of the lists that you will be making soon:

• Guest lists for the different wedding events
• Catering options
• Return gift options
• Party rental supplies
• Make up artists
• Deejay artists
• Guest accommodation
• Pre-wedding catering 

You don't really plan on winging it from memory, do you? I strongly recommend against that if your memory is anything like mine which is practically non-existent. I regularly walk away from cars without shutting down the engine, walk out the front door with a comb tucked in my hair and in my at-home slippers, return home from grocery trips without buying the groceries that I needed, frequently enter my classroom with a water bottle that holds no water and often record a 5 to 10 minute lesson for my students forgetting to hit the record button.  

I am afraid that the day is not far when I would need a bracelet with my name and address on it but since I was lucky enough to remember that I couldn't trust my memory with the wedding tasks, I made best friends with Microsoft Excel and got to work. By the time my daughter's wedding day came, I had a dozen workbooks forging ahead at full speed with a master list to keep track of every one of them.  This is the way.

2. Hold off on buying your wedding clothes until closer to the wedding.  This is super important. I wish someone had told me about this earlier.  I got carried away and bought my reception gown eight months ahead of time, long before finalizing the caterer.  Bad idea, especially if your dress was designed for a toothpick, by a dressmaker who thought it was a cardinal sin to let out a seam.  And don't forget that the pre-wedding week of rich and luscious Indian food mainly contain white rice, sugar and butter leading to extraordinary bloating conditions making buttoning your saree blouses an impressive task.  

You don't expect the mother of the bride to just randomly pick a caterer without tasting their food, do you?  I remember my wise mom once telling me that food was the thing that people would remember the most about a wedding and that we should take care with that.  I took her advice to heart, solemnly visiting multiple restaurants every weekend for 2 months tasting everything the caterers whipped up, sometimes at the expense of a seam ripping in my salwar suit.  I was only too happy to make this small sacrifice.  It was, after all, my burden to carry.  Two weeks before the wedding, when I was frantically running behind a seamstress begging her to somehow squeeze me into my dress, I admit to fleetingly questioning my mom's wisdom.  

3. Remember that functionality beats glamour when it comes to picking wedding shoes.  As the host of the wedding, you would need to put some miles on your shoes on your child's wedding day so choose wisely.  I didn't hence was left with bruising marks where the buckle of my fancy new shoes cut into my skin.  Yes, it was pretty but sadly no one saw its beauty because I discarded it within minutes of wearing and hobbled out in my comfy sandals instead.  

4. I strongly recommend that you make no new friends until after the wedding.  Putting all your existing friends on the guest list is hard enough.  A wedding invitation guest list is a tricky business in the US.  It is a balancing act worthy of an Olympic gymnast.  I never knew before about the rule that the bride and the groom should personally know all the guests who would come to the wedding.  I remember my Dad introducing many of his work friends to us at my wedding and I remember nodding at them with a smile without ever questioning why I had never met any of them before.  That was just the way.  

5. Help is all around you and you just need to ask for it.  If you are lucky like us, you will have a whole town willingly coming forward to help you with the wedding work.  I didn't realize how lucky we were until we were met by a tsunami-like huge wave of help from both a large and loving family and a town full of good friends.  I was especially moved by offers of help from those who didn't make it to our guest list.  It didn't seem to matter to them. They just wanted to help.  Such extraordinary acts of kindness should be met with an appropriate expression of gratitude but I was too dumbfounded by their kindness to express my appreciation well.  My pitiful attempts to say thank you fell flat and tiny even to my ears.  I won't ever take our good fortune in relationships for granted and hope to pay it forward somehow, in this lifetime. 

6. Remember to have fun and be okay if things don't exactly go as you had planned.  It is after all, your child's wedding.  Keep your smile so they can look at you and keep theirs.  

PS: Overcoming my mental block to writing gets harder each year.  I am super grateful that I managed to string some words together to make a blog post today, meeting my annual quota of posts. Wish you all a very happy holiday season and a wonderful New Year 2026!  

My own, my precious!

“That is some truly superior sambar and aloo curry Amma” my daughter managed to say in the middle of frantically licking her spoon clean like she may run out of taste buds any minute now.  “You don’t know how much I have missed your food.  You deserve a culinary award Amma” chimed in her sister on her way to the kitchen for second helpings.  Remarks like these typically put a strut in my gait and a smile on my face but not today. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I recognize that it is not every day that children are happy to be locked down under the same roof, as parents.  When they greeted me with a smile this morning and started doing chores around the house with no threat or coercion, I wanted to pinch my husband’s arm to see if I was dreaming. (Why pinch my husband’s arm? Because therein lies the beauty of marriage.  When life presents tough challenges, you get to lean on or pinch your spouse’s arm to figure things out.)  So together we puzzled over the question ‘Why aren’t these kids screaming and scratching at the walls, cursing at the coronavirus for this indefinite lockdown?’ The obvious answer was college food.  One semester away at college enjoying its assorted offering of spice-less food and my kids have returned home as warriors brave enough to face a quarantine at home. 

Getting back to the sound of my flatware being licked clean at each meal, I’ll admit that I am worried and I’ll tell you why.  As the symphony of spoons scraping against bowls and plates continue with each passing day, I often find myself slipping quietly to do the only thing I could.  Throw open the doors of the kitchen pantry and gaze worriedly at the stockpile of provisions; one item in particular.

I want it known that I am not unprepared for this pandemic.  The day ‘social-distancing’ became the national word and lockdown became the local mantra, I marched to the Indian grocery store armed with a dozen extra-large cotton bags determined to stock up but apparently so did the entire desi population.  When you are trying to beat 20 people to get to the last packet of turmeric powder in the store, social distancing is not an option.  And yes, I do need the turmeric powder.  You don’t seriously expect me to serve black sambar and rasam to my family, do you?  That’s gross.

Believe it or not, I was agile and spry zigging and zagging through the store loading up my cart. I owe it to corona(virus) for showing me that even I could put a spring in my step.  Anyway, there I was, weaving in and out of the crowd, proudly joining my fellow humans in picking that store clean.  After ensuring that there was nothing edible left in an aisle, we kept moving on to the next.  It was eerily similar to the scene in a movie I had watched, where aliens would destroy earth settlements systematically, one town at a time.

I am grateful for whoever designed grocery store carts and put 4 wheels on them for balance.  Imagine if they had only 2 wheels like a bicycle!  What would happen to people like me with zero upper body strength?  How would we push a cart that is filled up in preparation of Armageddon? I guess it is true that God never gives more than what we can handle. 

After doing a quick check of the cart inventory (mustard seeds, check – have enough to season an ocean of coconut chutney, tamarind, check – have enough to serve puliyodharai prasadam at the local temple for the next 5 years and, most importantly, asafoetida, check – have enough LG bottles to undertake the Ambani family’s next wedding order of rasam), I finally turned in to the last aisle all set to load up my favorite 20 pound rice bags.  Wait a second.  What happened here?  Who took all the rice bags?  Oh, the horror!  At that moment, I knew exactly how Gollum felt when Sauron’s ring slipped out of his hand.  Oh, where art thou, my precious? 

I would have gladly traded my wedding jewelry for the 4 bags of rice in the cart ahead of me at the counter, but I couldn’t really fall at her feet and beg there, could I?  With social distancing and all, it wouldn’t be the responsible thing to do. 

So finally, with a heavy heart, not to mention, a heavy cart loaded with only 3 miniature 10 pound bags of rice, I walked back to my car praying that my family will somehow find the courage the face the day we run out of rice.  May we survive that nightmare and live to tell the tale another day.

Hang in there, folks!  This too, shall pass. 😊

Navarathri Diary 2018

We are halfway through yet another vibrant Navarathri season in our town. Armed with spreadsheets that catalogue our golu invites, which is further cross-referenced by whatsapp and text reminders, we Desi women have been marching out early each day this past week with a single-minded determination to conquer the invitation list at least this year.  Everyone knows that it is a losing game because 18 golu visits a day is just outside of insane city, but we do have fun trying. 

Amidst the many joys of the season, one ailment continues to plague the golu-hoppers of our town this year too – severe gas trouble. Obviously, our intestines are not meant to process peanut, garbanzo, vatana, moong and green pea lentils, all in the same evening but when offered with so much love at each golu, what can one do except eat and burp?  Sometimes you just have to take one for a friend.

It is not a big problem for me though. Just to avoid this kind of rude shock to my system, I try to stay bloated through the entire year but for the general population who are on a strict ‘air and water only’ diet, suddenly turning into a birthday balloon must be very scary.  Well, here is how I handled it recently. After the 4th plate of sundal one evening early this week, I found myself at a risk of exploding.  Hyperventilation induced by the stress of an impending wardrobe malfunction actually saved the day.  Who knew that taking shallow breaths would help to keep your blouse from popping its buttons!  

  

Thanks to my recent India trip, I am going around town this Navarathri season in bright-colored sarees and completely mismatched blouses. Apparently, contrast is all the rage these days. This new fashion is a god-send because none of the matching blouses fit me anymore.

Trying to go with the latest fashion hurt me in the accessories department though.  Heeding to the advice of many well-meaning friends, I took a beautiful, embroidered bag with me on the golu rounds 2 days ago instead of my regular plain black handbag. It looked great. Everyone said so but big mistake! That miniscule, cute bag could fit only 3 almonds, half of a phone and 1 clementine. Where am I supposed to keep my key bunch, sunglasses, wallet, tissues, emergency biscuit packet, trail mix snack packet, water bottle and travel size advil?  My black handbag might not be great to look at, I admit, but it can house the entire universe, if necessary.  Fashion, my foot!

I saw planning at its best when I saw a friend bringing 2 big sack-like cloth bags with her to cart back all the tambulam bags of the evening. Wow! If she ever wanted to rob the US Treasury of all its gold, these 2 bags should do the trick. Very smart indeed. Inspired by her, I put a couple of cardboard boxes in my van to hoard my collections. A bit unsophisticated yes but it served its purpose.

One thing that was new this season was that golu hostesses decided to liven up their golus  by offering interesting quizzes to the visitors.What is the new doll in our golu this year?Can you tell what this sweet is made of?As someone with a very diminished sense of smell and a non-existent memory, I am set up for failure in these kinds of exams.Only a few threatened to hold back their sundal for not giving correct answers.Most of the hostesses were kind enough to give me my consolation goody bag just for participation.

This Navarathri season has seen some of the most imaginative carpool arrangements ever arranged by anyone. 2 days ago, I overheard a conversation while waiting for my cup of payasam at a golu.Anu and Geetha were planning to pick up Latha, hit Kamala’s golu, then go pick up Sudha.Then all were to go hit 5 houses together after which Geetha had plans to swap to another van to continue her round of golus with another set of friends and then wanted Anu to pick her up at Bhavani’s house to go to the next 7 houses on their common list.NASA should take pointers from this group for the next space mission. Brilliant minds such as these are being overlooked everyday.

How is your Navarathri going so far?